Attention Gentlemen,

Are you sick of being rejected by the ladies? Maybe it's not you; maybe you know of a friend who's been going through a rough time. For a LIMITED TIME ONLY* I will be accepting any and all dinner offers to take me to Lobsterfest at Red Lobster. That's right; acceptance GUARANTEED!** Here's how this works: We meet at a mutually convenient Red Lobster location. You buy me my Lobsterfest dinner. In exchange, I will perdy myself up real nice and entertain you with witty & comical banter during the course of the meal. I will also pretend to really like you (and I mean, like you-like you) THE ENTIRE TIME! That's right folks, even if you have zero personality and an IQ that landed you on the special bus as a youngster, you can't go wrong here. Or for funsies, if you've always thought it would be a hilarious good time to go on a date and say all the things that you really want to say on a date; I can roll with that too! I just want my f'n Lobster!

*Offer expires April 25th, 2011 
**Not valid on creepers, stalkers or anyone who is going to try to touch me.