Benefits  ben•e•fits

1. (noun): traditionally referred to compensation offered by an employer beyond hourly wage or salary to include such things as health insurance, dental, and retirement plans.

2. (noun): events held which typically include a meal, entertainment and a Chinese auction, for which tickets are sold with the proceeds going to cover the expenses once covered by the aforementioned definition of the term.

3. (noun): a term used to describe the sexual activity between two friends that are both unwilling to commit to a formal relationship.

This past weekend I made a trip home to the old neighborhood where I grew up and visited with my mother and sister. We were enjoying a spirited conversation over tea and scones when my niece interjected with a question for my sister.

“Mommy?” she asked as she pulled on my sister’s sweater, “Mommy, can I have a lemonade stand?”

Silence fell upon the room as my mother, sister and I exchanged pensive glances.

“Why don’t you go play outside with the dogs,” my sister suggested to her.

As she ran off I asked my sister what could have possibly put that in her head.

“I don’t know,” she replied, “She must have seen it on TV.”

On TV indeed. There hadn’t been a lemonade stand or any such thing in that neighborhood since the incident that crushed my young entrepreneurial spirit on that solemn summer day back in ‘83.

It had been a popcorn and Kool-Aid stand to be precise. It began as an event at a yard sale. But after my parents saw how the stand sparked a natural sales ability in their daughter, they decided to foster the blooming businesswoman inside of me. My father built me a stand and my mother painted a sign.

Soon, I was operating every weekend off my Grandfather’s private property. I was so proud of my business and the folks in the neighborhood seemed to enjoy coming out and socializing while patronizing my stand.



But the businessman who lived just north of my village did not.

Now it could have been that the band on his pants was too tight.
Perhaps it could have been that his ethics weren’t right.

But whatever the reason, his ethics or band,
He made it quite clear that he hated my stand.

The man owned a steakhouse, just down the street.
Claimed if people ate popcorn they’d stop eating meat.

He demanded my permit to operate there,
screaming something about competition unfair.

We fought a good fight but that man shut us down
Stating, “No one dare try that again in my town!”

And so, my young entrepreneurial spirit crushed, I gave up on my dream of owning my own business in my home town as did all those that might have followed.  Eventually, I moved on. After all, there were plenty of cities in the country and no need to put all of my popcorn in one basket.

Buffalo, New York - September 4, 2011

Free Speech. Is it still free these days or has speech also fallen victim to the cost of inflation? In recent times, there seemingly has come to be a price tag on free speech and that price tag says, "Apologize!"

This past summer has drawn a string of apologies from comedians such as Tracy Morgan, Christopher Titus and Katt Williams; all accused by some of taking a joke “too far”. This week in Buffalo, New York, another comedian came under fire for her supposed funny business.

This past Friday, comedian Jamie Travale, made a callous error when she referred to the players of Fantasy Football as, "Boring".

"In my defense," she has stated, "I did not mean to infer that the players themselves are boring. I was referencing the behavior of posting fantasy football status updates on Facebook as boring." She then added, " I was just poking fun."

She may have thought she was just poking fun but as community response would indicate,
there is nothing funny about mocking pretend athletes. Travale's comments evoked an
outrage from the Fantasy Football community across Western New York, expanding as far as the Tri-State area.

"She compared it to playing FarmVille!" cried out one obviously offended fan.

Pressured for an apology, Travale issued the following statement during a press conference held late Sunday afternoon, “As a comedian, I try and deliver material that I think will entertain an audience. I guess sometimes, innocent people get hurt. I was grossly misinformed regarding the cultural significance of Fantasy Football as well as the solid social skills that it can impart on its players. Most importantly, I seriously underestimated the hateful connotation of the word, "Boring”.  For this I am deeply sorry.”

To express the sincerity of her apology, Travale has agreed to voluntarily participate in a Fantasy Football team this upcoming season.

Attention Gentlemen,

Are you sick of being rejected by the ladies? Maybe it's not you; maybe you know of a friend who's been going through a rough time. For a LIMITED TIME ONLY* I will be accepting any and all dinner offers to take me to Crabfest at Red Lobster. That's right; acceptance GUARANTEED!** Here's how this works: We meet at a mutually convenient Red Lobster location. You buy me my Crabfest dinner. In exchange, I will perdy myself up real nice and entertain you with witty & comical banter during the course of the meal. I will also pretend to really like you (and I mean, like you-like you) THE ENTIRE TIME! That's right folks, even if you have zero personality and an IQ that landed you on the special bus as a youngster, you can't go wrong here. Or for funsies, if you've always thought it would be a hilarious good time to go on a date and say all the things that you really want to say on a date; I can roll with that too! I just want my f'n Crab!

*Offer expires August 25th, 2011 
**Not valid on creepers, stalkers or anyone who is going to try to touch me.

Actually, I'm a slacker. I have several sketches that I have written that need some revisions before I can submit them to hopefully be produced. But in the meantime, here are links to some fun sketches written by other local comedians, in which I was cast.

The Hero's Journey

The Too Early Show! with Dustin Runnels

The Yes Man

PS...I made this. I didn't find it.

#1 - You have expressed interest in coming out to a show but haven’t yet and this is the perfect opportunity because:
(a) I am headlining, which is a pretty big deal and
(b) I am also giving out free pencils.

#2 - When I’m famous some day you will sound much cooler saying, “I last saw her headlining at Nietzsche’s in Buffalo,” rather than, “I last saw her bombing in Mr. Fialkiewicz’s Sequence III Math class.”

#3 – You have been entertained by and known to “like” my facebook statuses OR you have been frustrated by the lack of a “dislike” option and secretly harboring a desire to throw produce at me. (Dole pineapple please – I can’t afford to buy them myself.)

#4 - I will never have a child. Thus, I will never invite you to a baby shower …just this comedy show with an extremely reasonable $5 cover.

#5 – You could use a good laugh and with a line-up of at least 10 comics before me, someone is bound to get the job done even if you end up thinking that I suck.

#6 - You have already been to a local comedy show and you know it’s a hearty good time.
(PS: Thank You!)

#7 – You are also a comic and you do these sort of things so why not come out on the 17th to celebrate with me?

#8 – Buffalo's thriving art scene is something to brag about and you don’t want to be left out.

Hey Ladies!
Put down those razors down! Yes, you know what I'm talking about. The boys have their playoff beards and we aren't going to be left out of this one! So show your Sabres spirit and grow one for the team! Here are the rules:


1. If you already have a bush, DO NOT shave it off. Continue to grow whatcha got.

2. If you are clean shaven, you must fight the temptation to shave your lady parts. The playoff bush is a way for female fans to rally around the Sabres’ playoff run.

3. Once you commit to a playoff bush, you cannot go back on your commitment. This means that you cannot alter the bush in any way, whether it be shaving or trimming it, until the Sabres bring home Lord Stanley's Cup or are eliminated from the playoffs.

Pass this along... and LET'S GO BUFFALO!!!

Finally, after years of complaints from would-be consumers, Hersey has responded by introducing the "Accessible Kit-Kat". The beloved chocolate covered wafers, once enjoyed only by the the IQ elite, have found new fans below the bell curve with its new easy to open wrapper.
(Click photo to enlarge)